Soldier (Fred Smith) : "Well, what did you think of the play?"
Boris (Woody Allen) : "Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role."
- LOVE AND DEATH (1975)A cameo is defined as a "brief appearance of a known person in a work of the performing arts. Such a role needs not be filled by an actor: short appearances by film directors, politicians, athletes, and other celebrities are common." (Wikipedia, of course)
As we all know sometimes one of the only good things in a particular film is a juicy unexpected cameo - not that all these were all unexpected, a number were highly publicised or widely rumoured way in advance. So many movies have cameos that it was very hard to pare down the best from all the multiple Ben Stiller, Austin Powers, and Zucker Bros. genre (AIRPLANE!) but I settled for a nice smattering that doesn't deny those films their cameo cred but includes some overlooked surprise walk-on gems as well. I decided to not include the many Hitchcock cameos or any other directors who often appear in their own films but made an exception (#18) when a director appeared in someone else's film. So don't go to the bathroom or blink 'cause you may miss them here goes the cameo countdown :
1. David Letterman – CABIN BOY (1994) Adam Resnick and former Letterman regular Chris Elliot's spotty yet not un-likable silly high seas saga featured the veteran late night host in his one movie role not playing himself as a stuffed- monkey peddler. As "Old Salt in Fishing Village" and credited as Earl Hofert, Letterman seemed to be enjoying himself as he badgered Elliot's fancy lad character - "Boy you're cute - what a sweet little outfit. Is that your little spring outfit? (laughs) you couldn't be cuter!"
2. Orson Welles – THE MUPPET MOVIE (Dir. James Frawley, 1979) THE MUPPET MOVIE and all subsequent Muppet movies have been crammed with cameos (Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Mel Brooks, John Cleese, Elliot Gould, Cloris Leachman, etc.) but Welles's appearance is a stone cold classic. Why? Because it introduced generation after generation to a true cinematic genius, at a low point in his career it briefly restored a sense of dignified power by casting him as studio head Lew Lord (based on mogul Lew Grade), and because nobody but nobody could give such an elegant reading to the line "prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company." That's why.
3. David Bowie – ZOOLANDER (Dir. Ben Stiller, 2001) All of Ben Stiller's movies have A-list cameos but Bowie is the only one who gets his own freeze frame flashy credit and a snippet of his hit "Let's Dance" to frame his intro when he steps out of the crowd to volunteer his services as judge for the crucial walk-off between Zoolander (Stiller) and his rival Hansel (Owen Wilson). With very little effort Bowie shows everyone in the room and in the audience what real screen presence is all about.
4. The Three Stooges – IT’S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD (Dir. Stanley Kramer, 1963)
Talk about very little effort! The famous slapstick trio only appear for 5 seconds as firemen at an airport. In a movie that may as way be called Cameo City they just stand there in the middle of the choas saying and doing nothing and are funnier and all the more memorable for it. IT'S A MAD MAD... practically invented the modern celebrity cameo - hence it making this so-called modern movies list.
5. Keith Richards – PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN : AT WORLD'S END (Dir. Gore Verbinski, 2007) Definitely not a surprise cameo - Richards was supposed to be in PIRATES 2 but had Stones concert commitments so the word was out was beforehand. The joke of course is that because Johnny Depp modeled his Jack Sparrow character on the behavorial nuances of Richards it's apt to have the craggy decadent guitarist show up as Sparrow's father. It's predictable but pleasing how it goes down even if it is the cinematic equivalent of those Saturday Night Live sketches like "Janet Reno Dance Party" or "The Joe Pesci Show" where the real person walks on to stare down their imitator.
6. Martin Sheen – HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX (Dir. Jim Abrahams, 1992) In what may be the funniest cameo on this list Charlie Sheen takes a break from the Rambo-styled action to write his tortured memoirs complete with intense voice-over to parody his role in PLATOON. Suddenly another intense voice-over overlaps and we see his father Martin Sheen in army duds obviously parodying his role in APOCALYPSE NOW. As their riverboats pass they point at each other and say in unison - "I loved you in WALL STREET!"
7. Roger Moore – CURSE OF THE PINK PANTHER (Dir. Blake Edwards, 1983) Now this may be the most ridiculous cameo here. Get this - Roger Moore (sorry, Sir Roger Moore) plays Inspector Clouseau after plastic surgery at the end of the second Panther movie made after Peter Sellers death. It doesn't matter that it doesn't fit at all into the continuity of the series - even at its best there have been character and narrative inconsistencies throughout - it's still a highlight. Moore does a passable Sellers impression and appears to be having a ball. For the first time in the almost 2 hours of this tedious unneccessary sequel we are too.
8. Shirley MacLaine – DEFENDING YOUR LIFE (Dir. Albert Brooks, 1991) When recently deceased yuppie Brooks has to go on trial for his existence it's only fitting that Shirley MacLaine would show up to spoof her reincarnation-obsessed image, isn't it? She nails it as the tour guide at the Afterlife Pavilion that Brooks and his date Meryl Streep attend.
9. Ethel Merman – AIRPLANE! (Dirs. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, 1980) When seeing this movie as a kid and naturally thinking every single thing in it was a joke it was even funnier when a friend pointed out "that really was Ethel Merman". In a wartime hospital room flashback Ted Striker (Robert Hays) comments about one of his fellow wounded - "Lieutenant Hurwitz - severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman." Cut to : Merman bursting out of bed singing - "You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses..." As she (he?) is sedated by staff Striker remarks "war is Hell."
10. Rodney Dangerfield – NATURAL BORN KILLERS (Dir. Oliver Stone, 1994) Presented as a flashback the surreal sitcom satire "I Love Mallory" serves as a commentary on the murderer's memories being corrupted by too much TV but it's really a showcase for the most savage acting Dangerfield has ever done. As Mallory's (Juliette Lewis) abusive incestuous and just plain gruesome father Dangerfield steals the movie while repulsing us and there's an innocuous laugh track punctuating every line. The most perfectly unpleasant cameo here for sure.
11. Bruce Springsteen – HIGH FIDELITY (Dir. Stephen Frears, 2000) Like Keith Richards, Springsteen had never acted in a movie so it's pretty cool that the Boss would appear in a day dream of protagonist Rob Gordon (John Cusack). Plucking some notes on the gee-tar he inspires Rob to hunt down his ex-girlfriends. "Give that big final good luck and goodbye to your all time top-five and just move on down the road" Springsteen advises. Sigh - just like one of his songs.
12. Elvis Costello – SPICE WORLD (Dir. Bob Spiers, 1997) As a bartender and credited as 'Himself' Costello plays a nice tongue-in-cheek note as the Girls talk about their possible flash-in-the-pan prospects. It should also be mentioned that Costello also made cool cameo appearances in AMERICATHON, STRAIGHT TO HELL, 200 CIGARETTES, TALLADEGA NIGHTS, and AUSTIN POWERS : THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME.
13. Gene Hackman – YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (Dir. Mel Brooks, 1974) Great uncredited cameo in which Hackman plays a bearded blind man named Harold who gets a prayed for visit by Frankenstein's monster (Peter Boyle). Harold serves the monster soup, wine, and cigars but fails to teach him that "fire is good" prompting a sudden exit. Harold exclaims - "Wait! Where are you going....I was gonna make espresso!" 14. Marshall McLuhan – ANNIE HALL (Dir. Woody Allen, 1977) 
The best example of one upmanship in a cameo that I can think of. At a theater in Manhattan (where else?) Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) is annoyed by the loud mouth pretensious rantings of the pseudo intellectual (Russell Horton) behind him and Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) in line. Alvy argues with the guy - "...and the funny thing is - Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan." The guy responds "really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, media and culture' so I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan have a great deal of validity." Alvy then says "I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here" and presents him from offscreen. McLuhan eyes the guy and says "I've heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work..." Alvy looks at the camera and says "boy, if life were only like this!"
15. Kurt Vonnegut – BACK TO SCHOOL (Dir. Alan Metter, 1986) Overage college student Rodney Dangerfield enlists Kurt Vonnegut to write his term paper on - yep, Kurt Vonnegut. Vonnegut shows up at Dangerfield's door and has only one line which is just introducing himself but for our purposes that's all he has to do. When Dangerfield's paper gets an F (teacher Sally Kellerman : "whoever did write it doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut") he curses the famous author over the phone and adds "next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!"
16. Jim Garrison - JFK
(Dir. Oliver Stone, 1991) The definition of an ironic cameo. New Orleans District Attorney and controversial conspiracy theorist Garrison (who is portrayed by Kevin Costner in the film) does his only acting ever * as his chief rival Chief Justice Earl Warren. As the entire movie is an elaborate rebutal to the Warren Report's conclusions on the assassination and largely based on Garrison's book (On The Trail Of The Assassins) this is pretty juicy indeed.
* wait! I'm wrong - he did a cameo in THE BIG EASY (1987). My bad.
17. Stan Lee – MALLRATS (Dir. Kevin Smith, 1996) The Spiderman creator and Marvel Comics main-man has done cameos in many comics adapted or related movies (SPIDERMAN, THE HULK, X-MEN, FANTASTIC FOUR, etc.) but this one set the standard for the Stan Lee cameo. He plays himself so he's treated as a God by comic book collector geek Brodie (Jason Lee) and as such he rises above the base level humour even when saying lines like "he seems to be really hung up on super heroes' sex organs."
18. Martin Scorsese – THE MUSE (Dir. Albert Brooks, 1999)
In a movie in which TITANIC director James Cameron also cameos and a number of Hollywood folk play themselves Marty sure has a nice bit - blabbing to struggling screenwriter Brooks - "I want to do a remake of RAGING BULL with a really thin guy. Not just thin, but REALLY thin. Thin and angry, thin and angry, thin and angry. Can you see it?"
19. Spike Milligan – MONTY PYTHON’S LIFE OF BRIAN (Dir. Terry Jones, 1979) Like the 3 Stooges this is a blink and you miss it cameo. While filming in Tunisia the Pythons found Milligan vacationing and got him to do a scene. For those of you readers who don't know Milligan - he was a huge influence on Python as a member of the Goon Show (which also featured Peter Sellers) and various other radio and TV programs. When the crowd following the reluctant Messiah Brian (Graham Chapman) flocks off into the hills, Milligan's character, named Spike in the credits, walks off shot not following them. He never was one to follow the latest trends.
20. Frank Sinatra – CANNONBALL RUN II (Dir. Hal Needham, 1984) Without a doubt the worst movie on the list but one that made it because it's the Chairman of the Board we're talking about here! I'm highly amused at this cameo 'cause it's so cheap and cheesy how it's done.
Roger Ebert described it best in his original '84 review :
"There isn't a single shot showing Sinatra and Reynolds at the same time. Also, there's something funny about Sinatra's voice: He doesn't seem to be quite matching the tone of the things said to him. That's the final tip-off: Sinatra did his entire scene by sitting down at a desk and reading his lines into the camera, and then, on another day, Reynolds and the others looked into the camera and pretended to be looking at him. The over-the-shoulder shots are of a double. This is the movie equivalent to phoning it in."
- Roger Ebert (Chicago Sun Times Jan. 1, 1984)
You nailed it Roger! Only Frank could get away with that action! At least they got him to pose for the publicity still above.
Have a favorite cameo you thought should have made the list? Bob Saget in HALF BAKED? Howard Cosell in BANANAS? Alice Cooper in WAYNE'S WORLD? Tom Cruise, Gwenyth Paltrow, or Danny Devito in AUSIIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER? Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts, or Burt Reynolds in THE PLAYER * ? Tom Petty in THE POSTMAN?
* THE PLAYER was left off the list despite (or maybe because) it being almost completely constructed around cameos by countless celebrities but for the record my favorite cameo in it is Buck Henry as himself pitching "THE GRADUATE PART II" to Tim Robbin's slimy studio exec character.
Send your cameo ommisions to :
boopbloop7@gmail.com
More later...
"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
- Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN : AT WORLD'S END
Last week all them there critic folk dumped on SHREK THE THIRD, the week before that they dumped on PIRATES 3, before that they dumped all over SPIDERMAN 3 so I can't wait for them to dump on OCEAN'S 13! Then stand back for what RUSH HOUR 3 has got coming!
Okay so sure these are products of franchise blockbuster seasonal thing, sure - but does movie medriocrity have to be so slickly blatant? I guess so - here goes :
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN : AT WORLD'S END (Gore Verbinski, 2007)
Man I was dreading this. I was so indifferent to PIRATES 2 (informal short title) I didn't post a review so this time out upon hearing it was just under 3 hours and word that it was another convoluted exercise in excess I was looking forward to it about as much as I was to a dental appointment (which incidently I had earlier the same day). Not to say the flick is a total waste - there is a fine cast of good actors (Depp, Bill Nighy, Stellen Skarsguard, Mackenzie Cook, etc.) who wade their way through the muck and provide some solid moments but woo-wee! All the lame jokes, un-affecting fight scenes, and pointless attempts at romaticizing map-mythology with supposed sacred artifacts holding eternal power just left me bombastically bored. I did however like the Keith Richards cameo (as Jack Sparrow's father no less). I heard there was a bonus scene like the other PIRATES had after the credits but at the 2 hour 45 mark I was dying to get the hell out of the theater - bet you will be too.
So that's the #1 movie in the country - now for the #6 movie (yep, how's that for a seque?) :
WAITRESS (Dir. Adrienne Shelly, 2007) Keri Russell is Jenna, a small town waitress with an abusive asshole husband (Jeremy Sisto) who may as well be always clad in a wife-beater sleveless t-shirt. She escapes her miserable existence by dreaming of new pie recipes but that may be harder to do since she finds out she's pregnant. Her fellow waitresses at the pie diner (Cheryl Hines and the director herself Adrienne Shelly) provide some solace - Hines with her wise-cracks - "good luck on your 5 minute date, don't forget to wear a 5 minute condom!" and Shelly with her affable hang-dog quirkiness. None of this matters as much as Jenna's new infatuation with her doctor (Nathan Fillion) who may just be who she's looking for. Meanwhile Andy Griffith puts in a rare film performance as the cranky old diner owner who of course spews weary wisdom before gobbling down a piece of the plentiful pie. Funny without being cloying WAITRESS may have an ending that's too pat but it achieves its "feel-good movie" goal and while I almost expected an announcer for the Lifetime channel to tell me what's coming up next over the end credits I still smiled at the earnest effort.
Now as usual some new release DVD reviews. Dig in kids! :
FAY GRIM (Dir. Hal Hartley, 2006) Hartley's HENRY FOOL (1997) was one of the best independent movies of the 90's. To make a follow-up (don't want to call it a sequel) now comes off as one of the oddest decisions in recent film history. What's odder is the film itself - a twisted, contrived, and frustrating series of espionage capers. That's right Hartley took the unique absorbing picture he painted in FOOL and made it into a rote spy thriller. Parker Posey returns as the title character and again proves she can carry a movie - it's just unfortunate it's this meandering mumbo-jumbo.
It is nice to see Posey get back to her indie roots after such mainstream turns as YOU'VE GOT MAIL and SUPERMAN RETURNS - I just wish Hartley's heart were more into it. After being told of Fool's (Thomas Jay Ryan - who only appears briefly) death Fay makes a deal with an Agent Fulbright (Jeff Goldblum - who looks very tired) to get her brother Simon Grim (James Urbaniak) out of jail while she goes to Paris to retrieve the missing possibly world-threating confession journals of Fool's. That's all I'm going to write about the damn numbing plot. Action scenes are ham-fisted and mostly made up of freeze frame still shots and purposely not showing us the actual moments of impact. The result is we are not convinced and don't care about what's going on. I know I didn't. I believe I need to re-watch HENRY FOOL to get the sour taste out of my mouth from this dim grim (sorry - couldn't help it) mess.
THIEVES LIKE US (Robert Altman, 1974) Having been an Altman fan for most of my life I was very curious about this movie. It was never available on VHS and I never came across it on TV so it was just a title in a filmography in some random film guide I would pick up from time to time. It's still glossed over in Altman's Wikipedia entry the last time I checked. Curious because it comes from Altman's most acclaimed and glorious period (the 70's, stupid) - I mean its right smack between CALIFORNIA SPLIT and THE LONG GOODBYE so what was the hold-up? Even more curious is that it's really good and should be more than just noted - it's a movie to savor.
Just released by Paramount on DVD mere months after Altman's death we can finally see Keith Carradine, John Schuck, and Bert Remsen play bank-robbing ex-felons in Mississippi in the 30's. Hitting over 30 banks they build up quite a reputation as evidenced in the radio reports and newspaper headlines they grab. Along the way Carradine falls for Altman regular Shelley Duvall, Remsen marries a frumpy beautician, and Schuck gets drunker and drunker. The real meat on the plate here is the mundune every day life between the stick-ups where Coke bottles are clutched, bad jokes are told, and the notion of settling down is as daunting as the fear of being caught by the law. The only special feature on the DVD is a commentary recorded by Altman reportedly in the late 90's but it's the only extra it needs to have.
In my adventures in Altman appraisal since the great man's death I've put together this handy list -
THE ROBERT ALTMAN REPORATORY COMPANY (or stock company as Ebert calls it) ROLE CALL :
For the most part I've stuck to his movies - the TANNER series and it's follow-up being the only exceptions. Also this is far from complete - the noting of everyone who puts in a brief cameo or just walks by in THE PLAYER ('92) who is in another Altman movie would take all day - sorry Andie MacDowell and Peter Gallagher! I don't ignore THE PLAYER (how can I?) but I tried to get the most relevant down. Stand up when your name is called thespians!
Rene Auberjonois (pictured left) – MASH ('70), BREWSTER McCLOUD ('70), McCABE & MRS. MILLER ('71), IMAGES ('72), THE PLAYER (as himself) : Sure he may be better known from TV gigs like Benson and STAR TREK : DEEP SPACE NINE but it's his work during Altman's great early '70's run especially as Father Mulcahy in MASH that put him on the movie map.
Ned Beatty – NASHVILLE ('75), COOKIE'S FORTUNE ('99)
Karen Black - NASHVILLE, COME BACK TO THE FIVE AND DIME JIMMY DEAN JIMMY DEAN ('82)
Keith Carradine – McCABE & MRS. MILLER, THIEVES LIKE US, NASHVILLE
Geraldine Chaplin - NASHVILLE, BUFFALO BILL AND THE INDIANS, 
A WEDDING ('78)
Bud Cort (pictured on the right) - BREWSTER McCLOUD, MASH- Only 2 movies but what a 2 movies to make a mark in! Forget about Harold for a bit and give Cort his due! BREWSTER McCLOUD is sadly still unavailable on DVD but there is a rumored release set for later this year that I pray is not just a rumor.
Sandy Dennis – THAT COLD DAY IN THE PARK ('69),COME BACK TO THE FIVE AND DIME JIMMY DEAN JIMMY DEAN
Paul Dooley – A WEDDING, A PERFECT COUPLE ('79), HealtH ('80), POPEYE ('80), O.C. AND STIGGS ('85)
Robert Duvall – COUNTDOWN ('68) MASH, THE GINGERBREAD MAN ('98)
Shelley Duvall – BREWSTER McCLOUD, McCABE & MRS. MILLER, THIEVES LIKE US, NASHVILLE, BUFFALO BILL AND THE INDIANS, 3 WOMEN, POPEYE
Henry Gibson – THE LONG GOODBYE ('73), NASHVILLE, A PERFECT COUPLE, HealtH
Elliot Gould - MASH, THE LONG GOODBYE, NASHVILLE (as himself), THE PLAYER (as himself)
Sally Kellerman (above) - BREWSTER McCLOUD, MASH, THE PLAYER, PRET-A-PORTER ('94)
Lyle Lovett - THE PLAYER, SHORT CUTS ('93), PRET-A-PORTER, COOKIE'S FORTUNE (also had songs in DR. T & THE WOMEN-2000) : Lovett was creepily effective as the plain-clothed cop on Robbin's back in THE PLAYER but you've really got to give it up for his crazed cake chef in SHORT CUTS.
Julianne Moore - SHORT CUTS, COOKIE'S FORTUNE
Michael Murphy - COUNTDOWN, THAT COLD DAY IN THE PARK, BREWSTER McCLOUD, MASH, McCABE & MRS. MILLER, KANSAS CITY ('96), (also the TV projects TANNER '88 and TANNER ON TANNER) : Definitely one of Altman's most reliable and solid players. Murphy has a handle on a particular late 20th century American male persona - polished and poised on the outside but in the inside a troubled tortured soul. Well used in the undeservably underrated Tanner series.
Paul Newman - BUFFALO BILL AND THE INDIANS, QUINTET
Bert Remsen – THIEVES LIKE US, BUFFALO BILL AND THE
INDIANS, A WEDDING, THE PLAYER
Tim Robbins - THE PLAYER, SHORT CUTS, PRET A PORTER
John Schuck (pictured on the right) - BREWSTER McCLOUD, MASH, McCABE & MRS. MILLER, THIEVES LIKE US : Speaking of under-rated, Schuck is a wonderful unsung character actor who added much to 
Altman's golden age. However you may recognize him more if he had Klingon makeup on.
Tom Skerrit – MASH, THIEVES LIKE US
Lily Tomlin (pictured left) – NASHVILLE, THE PLAYER (as herself) , SHORT CUTS, A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION ('06) : One of the biggest comedy stars of the 70's, Tomlin displayed her best acting under Altman's tuteledge. For her to be happily on-hand for his last hurrah was a beautiful thing indeed.
Nina Van Pallandt - THE LONG GOODBYE, A WEDDING, QUINTET, O.C. AND STIGGS
More later...
Tommy (Michael Bowen): "Is this movie in 3-D?"
Randy (Nicholas Cage): "No, but your face is!"
- VALLEY GIRL (Dir. Martha Coolidge, 1983)
While I'm still tallying up the answers from the big 80th post pop-quiz last time out I thought I'd get right on back to what this blog is all about - movie review babble. So yeah, I saw SPIDERMAN 3 (Dir. Sam Raimi, 2007). It's been getting tremendous backlash - disses right and left - the New York Times calls it "aesthetically and conceptually wrung out" (Manohla Dargis 5/4/07) and many lament that the fun has gone out of the series and while I wouldn't say that I do agree that it is indeed a mixed bag so here are:
5 Things SPIDERMAN 3 Got Pretty RIGHT:
1. Much better special effects: In 1 & 2 Spiderman (Tobey Maquire) web-slinging his way from building to building through the city looked video gamey and at times borderline absurd but now has a fluid graceful believability. Nice to see that the reportedely most expensive movie ever has its money up there on the screen.
2. The Sandman: Thomas Haden Church is beautifully cast as escaped felon Flint Marco who because he accidentally fell into an experimental particle physics site that molecularly binds him with sand he gets fantastical shape-shifting powers (though it's not widely reported that kind of thing happens everyday y'know). Like all the villains in the franchise he's really not evil deep down in his heart - he's just computer generated that way.
3. The Black Suit: Yep shiny goth Spidey looks pretty cool. That was evident in the trailers from a year ago though - sorry I'll save the cons for now. And no - I'm not gonna copy 'n paste that same ole brooding SPIDERMAN in "the thinker" pose picture and post it here.
4. Venom: Though only named in the credits - a satisfyingly scary villain (especially when he grits his teeth) albeit in a movie with one villain too many - damn I said I'd save the cons and there I went again. Anyway since the other half of this element is covered in the cons I'll just say this - Venom has bite.
5. The obligatory yet hugely satisfying Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell cameos: Appropriately cheesy Spiderman creator Stan Lee's quick pep-talk appearance to a battered soul-fried Parker hits the spot - "You know, I guess one person really can make a difference...". You tell him Marvel Man! And wouldn't we all feel cheated if we didn't get Bruce Campbell for the third time to cameo? His pretentious French Maitre d' may not have anything on John Cleese in MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE but in this film it's one of the only bits of comedy that worked - "I love romance. I am French." Now to let the disses truly fly:
5 Things SPIDERMAN 3 Got Drastically WRONG :
1. J.K. Simmons : As newspaper editor J. Jonah Jameson Simmons was dead on in the first 2 installments but here his fast talking manipulative schtick is tired, unfunny and most sadly he only annoys the audience every time he appears. Maybe it was that Simpsons appearance from last season - "stop the presses, send my wife some flowers, get me an Advil - what do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired you're fired. Now that you don't work here we can be friends - now that we're friends how come you don't call? Some friend you are!" I guess once the Simpsons has got you down your gig is up.
2. The Harry Osbourn(James Franco) Amnesia Plot : As a writer I always dislike the "he lost his memory" plotline that has been a longtime cheat of sitcoms, - Hell it made me swear off the show 24 forever. It's such lazy screenwriting to have Harry conveniently have his recent revenge fueled memory erased after such an unimpressive alleyway tussle with our hero.
3. Kirsten Dunst Sings 2 Songs - Yes, I know it's from the original comic that Mary Jane Watson is an aspiring actress - a wannabe Broadway singing star but nobody and I mean nobody was buying a ticket to see her warble through 2 complete numbers. Show stoppers in the worst way.
4. The Extended Black Gunk From Outer Space Turns Peter Parker Into An Asshole Sequence. Yes the black suit looks cool as I noted above but the gunk which is an alien symbiote coming from a small meteorite that attaches itself to Spidey's suit just brings out the jerk in Parker. Looking like strands of Twistler's candy dipped in tar - the ooze infiltrates Peter's nice guy mentality and promptly makes him strut around Manhattan with an entitled atitude like Jim Carrey from BRUCE ALMIGHTY. This whole bit should have been a deleted scene.
5. Topher Grace/ The Overall Bloat : I loop these together because as scary cool as Venom was and maybe that was because it's the only less-is-more element here - the entire Topher Grace origins of the character are lame, it comes in way too late in the story to have proper impact and Grace's overall smarm kill his time on screen. The 2 and a half hour flick is crammed with too many incidental characters and go nowhere plot threads as it is - I mean do we seriously need a scene of Franco and Dunst making an omelet and repeated appearances by Peter's landlord and daughter Ursula? I mean do we really?! And did I mention Kirsten Dunst sings 2 songs?!!?
Okay good to get that out of my system. Now on with another movie I saw on the big screen since my last post:
BLACK BOOK (Dir. Paul Verhoven, 2007) Verhoven's first movie in 6 years is a far cry from the glib futuristic satire of ROBOCOP (1987) and definitely more than just timezones away from the glib psycho sexual trash thriller BASIC INSTINCT (1992). Rachel Stein (Carice Van Houten) hides from Nazi's in 1944 Netherlands hiding her Jewish-ness under a blond curly dye-job and behind her charm which is the sole saving grace of this tedious over-stated film.
Van Houten is a former singer (and she does sing beautifully in the only scenes that register emotion) who becomes embroiled in a plot by the resistance to infiltrate the SD (Sicherheitsdienst-Security Service) office run by officer Ludwig Mntze (Sebastian Koch) who is apparently a lovable Nazi (one that the movie stresses isn't as bad as the other cold blooded less attractive Nazis)therefore she falls for him. The plot thickens when members of the resistance may be as untrustworthy as their enemy. After one wades through all the supposedely purposeful unpleasantness symbolized by the bucket of shit (yes I do mean an actual bucket of shit) that's poured on top of Stein and all the close calls and near-scrapes with Nazis it's hard to care who double crossed who and for what purpose. With an almost complete lack of directorial style and affecting acting edge in an almost CATCH 22 way - it's impressive at how unimpressive BLACK BOOK is.
More later...
Soldier (Fred Smith) : "Well, what did you think of the play?"
1. David Letterman – CABIN BOY (1994) Adam Resnick and former Letterman regular Chris Elliot's spotty yet not un-likable silly high seas saga featured the veteran late night host in his one movie role not playing himself as a stuffed- monkey peddler. As "Old Salt in Fishing Village" and credited as Earl Hofert, Letterman seemed to be enjoying himself as he badgered Elliot's fancy lad character - "Boy you're cute - what a sweet little outfit. Is that your little spring outfit? (laughs) you couldn't be cuter!"
2. Orson Welles – THE MUPPET MOVIE (Dir. James Frawley, 1979) THE MUPPET MOVIE and all subsequent Muppet movies have been crammed with cameos (Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Mel Brooks, John Cleese, Elliot Gould, Cloris Leachman, etc.) but Welles's appearance is a stone cold classic. Why? Because it introduced generation after generation to a true cinematic genius, at a low point in his career it briefly restored a sense of dignified power by casting him as studio head Lew Lord (based on mogul Lew Grade), and because nobody but nobody could give such an elegant reading to the line "prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company." That's why.
3. David Bowie – ZOOLANDER (Dir. Ben Stiller, 2001) All of Ben Stiller's movies have A-list cameos but Bowie is the only one who gets his own freeze frame flashy credit and a snippet of his hit "Let's Dance" to frame his intro when he steps out of the crowd to volunteer his services as judge for the crucial walk-off between Zoolander (Stiller) and his rival Hansel (Owen Wilson). With very little effort Bowie shows everyone in the room and in the audience what real screen presence is all about.
Talk about very little effort! The famous slapstick trio only appear for 5 seconds as firemen at an airport. In a movie that may as way be called Cameo City they just stand there in the middle of the choas saying and doing nothing and are funnier and all the more memorable for it. IT'S A MAD MAD... practically invented the modern celebrity cameo - hence it making this so-called modern movies list.
5. Keith Richards – PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN : AT WORLD'S END (Dir. Gore Verbinski, 2007) Definitely not a surprise cameo - Richards was supposed to be in PIRATES 2 but had Stones concert commitments so the word was out was beforehand. The joke of course is that because Johnny Depp modeled his Jack Sparrow character on the behavorial nuances of Richards it's apt to have the craggy decadent guitarist show up as Sparrow's father. It's predictable but pleasing how it goes down even if it is the cinematic equivalent of those Saturday Night Live sketches like "Janet Reno Dance Party" or "The Joe Pesci Show" where the real person walks on to stare down their imitator.
6. Martin Sheen – HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX (Dir. Jim Abrahams, 1992) In what may be the funniest cameo on this list Charlie Sheen takes a break from the Rambo-styled action to write his tortured memoirs complete with intense voice-over to parody his role in PLATOON. Suddenly another intense voice-over overlaps and we see his father Martin Sheen in army duds obviously parodying his role in APOCALYPSE NOW. As their riverboats pass they point at each other and say in unison - "I loved you in WALL STREET!"
7. Roger Moore – CURSE OF THE PINK PANTHER (Dir. Blake Edwards, 1983) Now this may be the most ridiculous cameo here. Get this - Roger Moore (sorry, Sir Roger Moore) plays Inspector Clouseau after plastic surgery at the end of the second Panther movie made after Peter Sellers death. It doesn't matter that it doesn't fit at all into the continuity of the series - even at its best there have been character and narrative inconsistencies throughout - it's still a highlight. Moore does a passable Sellers impression and appears to be having a ball. For the first time in the almost 2 hours of this tedious unneccessary sequel we are too.
9. Ethel Merman – AIRPLANE! (Dirs. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, 1980) When seeing this movie as a kid and naturally thinking every single thing in it was a joke it was even funnier when a friend pointed out "that really was Ethel Merman". In a wartime hospital room flashback Ted Striker (Robert Hays) comments about one of his fellow wounded - "Lieutenant Hurwitz - severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman." Cut to : Merman bursting out of bed singing - "You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses..." As she (he?) is sedated by staff Striker remarks "war is Hell."
10. Rodney Dangerfield – NATURAL BORN KILLERS (Dir. Oliver Stone, 1994) Presented as a flashback the surreal sitcom satire "I Love Mallory" serves as a commentary on the murderer's memories being corrupted by too much TV but it's really a showcase for the most savage acting Dangerfield has ever done. As Mallory's (Juliette Lewis) abusive incestuous and just plain gruesome father Dangerfield steals the movie while repulsing us and there's an innocuous laugh track punctuating every line. The most perfectly unpleasant cameo here for sure.
11. Bruce Springsteen – HIGH FIDELITY (Dir. Stephen Frears, 2000) Like Keith Richards, Springsteen had never acted in a movie so it's pretty cool that the Boss would appear in a day dream of protagonist Rob Gordon (John Cusack). Plucking some notes on the gee-tar he inspires Rob to hunt down his ex-girlfriends. "Give that big final good luck and goodbye to your all time top-five and just move on down the road" Springsteen advises. Sigh - just like one of his songs.
13. Gene Hackman – YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (Dir. Mel Brooks, 1974) Great uncredited cameo in which Hackman plays a bearded blind man named Harold who gets a prayed for visit by Frankenstein's monster (Peter Boyle). Harold serves the monster soup, wine, and cigars but fails to teach him that "fire is good" prompting a sudden exit. Harold exclaims - "Wait! Where are you going....I was gonna make espresso!" 14. Marshall McLuhan – ANNIE HALL (Dir. Woody Allen, 1977) 
The best example of one upmanship in a cameo that I can think of. At a theater in Manhattan (where else?) Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) is annoyed by the loud mouth pretensious rantings of the pseudo intellectual (Russell Horton) behind him and Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) in line. Alvy argues with the guy - "...and the funny thing is - Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan." The guy responds "really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, media and culture' so I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan have a great deal of validity." Alvy then says "I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here" and presents him from offscreen. McLuhan eyes the guy and says "I've heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work..." Alvy looks at the camera and says "boy, if life were only like this!" 
16. Jim Garrison - JFK 
18. Martin Scorsese – THE MUSE (Dir. Albert Brooks, 1999)
19. Spike Milligan – MONTY PYTHON’S LIFE OF BRIAN (Dir. Terry Jones, 1979) Like the 3 Stooges this is a blink and you miss it cameo. While filming in Tunisia the Pythons found Milligan vacationing and got him to do a scene. For those of you readers who don't know Milligan - he was a huge influence on Python as a member of the Goon Show (which also featured Peter Sellers) and various other radio and TV programs. When the crowd following the reluctant Messiah Brian (Graham Chapman) flocks off into the hills, Milligan's character, named Spike in the credits, walks off shot not following them. He never was one to follow the latest trends.
20. Frank Sinatra – CANNONBALL RUN II (Dir. Hal Needham, 1984) Without a doubt the worst movie on the list but one that made it because it's the Chairman of the Board we're talking about here! I'm highly amused at this cameo 'cause it's so cheap and cheesy how it's done.
Have a favorite cameo you thought should have made the list? Bob Saget in HALF BAKED? Howard Cosell in BANANAS? Alice Cooper in WAYNE'S WORLD? Tom Cruise, Gwenyth Paltrow, or Danny Devito in AUSIIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER? Bruce Willis, Julia Roberts, or Burt Reynolds in THE PLAYER * ? Tom Petty in THE POSTMAN?
